Everyone pay attention as this could save your life! What do we call a man who dies only to rise again a few days later? Most people would call that man a zombie, but others — mostly hordes of hapless religious types — call that man Jesus.
Either way you look at it, you need to take action.
Do we have enough of the chocolate bunnies and flavored jellybeans needed to satisfy his hunger? Have we replenished our stockpile of marshmallow peeps … all colors and shapes? Will he be happy with our offerings of plastic grass-filled wicker baskets? All we can do is pray as we carve the sacred glazed ham.
Apparently (and thankfully) I’m not the only one concerned over this annual haunting. I’ve uncovered a 2003 article from New World Odour called ‘Sweet Zombie Jesus: Top 5 ways to kill a raging undead son of God‘. Even funnier than the suggestions are the ongoing, obscenity-ridden rants of the raging, so-called Christians.
May peace be with you all!
Funny Story from a Reader
I’ve posted this little ditty every year at Easter since 2008. I get mixed reactions from people who have a sense of humor and people who don’t (and therefore get offended). This was a comment posted back in 2008 by a reader named Jason who did in fact get the joke, as apparently did his four-year-old stepdaughter:
My stepdaughter spends the religious holidays with her father (since my wife and I are not religious, or pagan at best, and he’s a fundie nutjob).
So last year, our sweet little four-year-old came back ruminating on Easter: “You know, Jesus died for our sins. And Easter is the day that he rose from the dead.”
Suddenly, we could see a thought go through her mind; her sweet little face scrunched up with the effort of reconciling this with her own worldview.
“So … Jesus was dead … and he rose from the dead … that means Jesus is a ZOMBIE! And he wants to EAT our BRAINS!! RAARR!! We have to eat his brains before he eats ours!”
Ever since, Easter Sunday is Zombie Jesus Day in our home.
If a four-year-old girl can see the humor in this, then so can you. Lighten up people and remember … Jesus would’ve laughed!