Taking an early morning stroll to spark some life into my day
This is something I have not done in a while. Walking along the river from my house down to the PATH station, NYC is completely obscured by fog. Only the sun burning thru and the hum of early morning traffic let spill the truth that there is life across the river. Joggers and other assorted fitness buffs accompany me along this trail. Then the sight of a sexy young blonde in a short skirt and high heels catches my attention. What an odd dress code for pre-8:00 AM Hoboken. Then, as I walked passed the car from which she emerged, I could tell by the reclined driver seat that she had been sleeping off a bender. Still, nice to see.
I continued my walk and thought that one of the reasons I moved here was for these quiet moments; moments that always fascinate me about a city known for such a rowdy nightlife. It’s relaxing and, being near the cool morning air of a river, quite invigorating. Just for shear purposes of contrast, I walked home via Washington Street. The stench of stale beer and the streets littered with cigarette butts, garbage and food are the everpresent reminders of the Hoboken nightlife.
Admittedly my growing battles with anxiety and depression which lead to my recent bout with sobriety have at times made it difficult to live here. The stressful and inconsiderate nature of crowds and development makes me long for a quieter existence. Those who have gotten to know me have described places like Belize or the Pacific Northwest or the deserts of New Mexico as being perfect for me. Yet I know deep down inside I am a city boy and my problems run deeper than my surroundings. I feel as though I’ve lost control.
I recently uncovered a bit of wisdom I had written to myself some time ago. It was during a similar period of being down and as a way to encourage myself I wrote:
“I have been living under a dark and heavy cloak of hypocrisy. But that is now set to end. With age comes the maturity to accept one’s misguided ways and the strength to just move on. The revelation at hand is this: There is but one way to live life and that is to live life.”
I wrote that back in late 1999 in a way to revitalize a feeling I had lost in 1989. Back then the world was wide open for me yet I made a few risky decisions that sent me off into a rough direction. Gone it seemed was any hope for a life that I’d enjoy. However in 1999 I met a wonderful girl named Karyn who became a dear friend. She began to give me the encouragement to find a new way that I could no longer give myself. Though I’ve made some progress, the time since then has been strained by my inability to fully mobilize my dreams.
My move to Hoboken was meant to breathe new life into my outlook and, while I have met some wonderful new people, little else has changed. In many ways, I find that I have gotten worse. I’ve become even more of a shut-in. Losing touch with friends and family for longer and longer periods of time and not doing any remarkable amounts of creative activities. This was emphasized by three recent events.
One was waking up to notice that I had not spoken to my own mother for over two weeks. The other night my nephew called me. I didn’t get the message until late so I figured I’d call him the next day. Well that never happened. Finally I remembered my friend Michelle’s birthday. I sent her an apologetic email because, though we’d been best of friends for over 18 years, I lost touch with her a while ago. In fact I didn’t even have a current phone number. She replied with a forgiving tone that said:
“Maybe your life is fine and you just need to live and enjoy being alive. Life alone is a precious gift!! Just…LIVE!!!!!! And breathe too of course :)”
This statement that so closely resembled my self cheerleading of 1999, combined with my walk this morning, inspired me to knock the dust off my life and give it another go. It’s also fitting that I’m off to a christening today for Lisa’s niece Madison. No, I have not found religion (God forbid … pardon the pun). But it is symbolic of a new beginning and maybe this symbolism is what I need to make the reality of my life more real. I’ve got it pretty good comparatively speaking, so I really should be happier than I have been.
